IN
HIGH
SCHOOL,
I
was
about
as
happy
as
Michael
Jackson
at
Hooters.
Maybe
it
was
the
feathered
haircut
or
the
acne
or
a
propensity
to
spy
on
the
wrestlers
while
they
practiced.
Certainly
my
membership
in
the
math,
science
and
computer
clubs
didn’t
help.
It’s
hard
being
a
geek,
and
even
harder
being
gay.
As
much
as
I
tried,
I
never
quite
fit
in
with
the
muscle-bound
jocks
and
cheerleaders.
After
graduation
in
1983,
I
tossed
out
my
boat
shoes,
Izod
shirts
and
yearbooks
and
vowed
never
to
look
back.
Time
passed
and
—
much
like
my
hairline
—
those
recollections
of
Strongsville
High
receded
into
my
memory
until
the
20th
high
school
reunion
invitation
beckoned
me
back
to
Ohio.
I
threw
it
aside
with
a
scornful
laugh.
“No
way
would
I
put
myself
through
THAT
again!”
Then,
after
some
consternation
and
debate,
I
decided
to
go.
I
had
one
stipulation:
Before
I
showed
my
face,
I
was
determined
to
make
myself
look
better
than
I
had
back
then.
Who
cares
if
I
have
a
great
job,
an
offbeat
sense
of
humor
and
a
sensitive
heart?
I
wanted
to
look
good!
BLAME
IT
ON
television’s
parade
of
transformation
shows
—
FX’s
plastic
surgery
drama
“Nip/Tuck,”
real
life
dramatic
plastic
surgery
show
“Extreme
Makeover,”
TLC’s
fashionable
“What
Not
to
Wear”
and,
of
course,
“Queer
Eye
for
the
Straight
Guy”
—
but
lately
I
am
back
in
high
school
once
again
worrying
about
how
I
look
instead
of
who
I
am.
Actually,
my
self-improvement
crusade
began
a
few
years
ago
with
teeth
bleaching.
Thanks
to
antibiotics
I’d
taken
as
a
kid,
my
yellowed
teeth
looked
like
matching
rows
of
corn
on
the
cob.
To
hide
them,
I
laughed
behind
my
hand
and
struck
somber
poses
whenever
a
camera
appeared.
Apparently,
I
am
not
alone.
More
than
half
of
Americans
are
unhappy
with
their
smile
and
according
to
a
Gayhealth.com
survey,
one-third
of
respondents
have
already
had
their
teeth
bleached
or
are
thinking
about
doing
so.
Oprah
calls
bleaching
the
first
step
to
any
“age-defying”
makeover
so
I
eagerly
jumped
on
the
bandwagon
and
spent
14
nights
in
a
row
drooling
myself
to
sleep
with
a
mouthful
of
Clorox-tasting
bleaching
trays.
Thanks
to
ever-evolving
technology,
there
are
better,
faster
ways
to
a
gleaming
grin.
The
Washington
Dental
studio
in
Northwest
D.C.
specializes
in
the
“Zoom!
Whitening
System,”
the
same
service
used
on
“Extreme
Makeovers.”
Rita,
the
office
manager
there,
says,
“Bleaching
gives
amazing
results
to
every
smile.
With
so
much
focus
on
appearance,
these
days
everyone
should
reach
for
the
stars
and
get
it
done.”
During
one
quick
visit,
light-activated
hydrogen
peroxide
gel
bleaches
away
discoloration
while
leaving
the
structure
of
the
tooth
unchanged.
Prospective
clients
must
have
healthy
teeth
and
gums
and
the
side
effects
are
minimal:
tooth
sensitivity
that
fades
over
time.
The
entire
procedure
costs
around
$500
and
can
be
completed
in
less
than
two
hours.
“If
you
don’t
do
it,
there’s
something
wrong
with
you!
It’s
that
easy!”
lovely
Rita
jokes.
Bleaching
has
become
so
easy
that
best-selling
Crest
White
Strips
have
replaced
Biore
pore
strips
as
the
primping
tool
of
choice
among
club-goers.
Last
year,
we
spent
$300
million
on
over-the-counter
bleaching
products
like
whitening
toothpastes
Plus
White,
Rembrandt
and
Mentadent.
Rita
acknowledges
that
the
store-bought
brands
can
clean
up
minimal
staining,
but
“anyone
with
significant
discoloration
due
to
smoking,
coffee
or
antibiotics
should
go
to
a
professional.”
MY
TEETH
sparkled
like
gleaming
Chiclets,
but
they
drew
attention
to
a
new
issue
—
crookedness.
My
wisdom
teeth
had
crowded
my
bicuspids
into
Austin
Powers-like
snaggle-toothed
fangs.
I
had
to
straighten
them
out.
Thanks
to
publicity
from
the
likes
of
Tom
Cruise,
Faye
Dunaway
and
Nicholas
Cage,
adult
braces
are
now
in
the
spotlight.
More
than
a
million
Americans
aged
18
and
older
have
tinned
their
grin;
an
increase
of
15
percent
over
the
past
decade.
Of
the
options
available
for
adult
braces,
“Train
Tracks”
offer
the
most
direct
route
back
to
adolescence.
They
are
the
cheapest
($3,000)
but
their
dual
wires
stay
on
the
longest
(two
years
or
more).
They
are
also
the
most
noticeable
and
frankly,
kissing
someone
with
them
on
is
like
smooching
through
a
cheese
grater.
Better
to
try
the
sleek
single
wire
“Tom
Cruise”
braces.
They
are
less
conspicuous
and
have
a
smooth,
ceramic
bracket
that
reduces
mouth
irritation.
They
cost
a
little
more
(around
$5,000)
due
to
a
special
NASA-developed
nickel-titanium
wire,
which
responds
to
body
heat
and
gradually
applies
more
and
more
force
to
the
teeth
as
your
mouth
heats
up.
Since
I
prefer
to
keep
my
wires
in
my
electronic
appliances,
I
investigated
“Invisaligns.”
They
are
removable
clear
plastic
braces
that
look
like
a
series
of
disposable
bleaching
trays.
They
fit
tightly
on
the
teeth
to
shift
them
week
by
week
from
present-day
crookedness
to
eventual
dental
perfection.
I
could
pop
them
out
for
eating,
brushing
and
special
occasions
and
their
smooth
shape
almost
completely
eliminates
mouth
inflammation.
Despite
the
$7,000
cost,
the
almost-undetectable
device
was
the
right
choice
for
me.
With
the
braces
in,
my
lips
puffed
out
so
I
looked
like
Angelina
Jolie
and
lisped
like
Cindy
Brady.
I
eventually
got
used
to
them
and
could
wear
them
unnoticed
to
the
bars.
Thirty
weeks
later,
the
braces
came
out
and
I
had
a
set
of
straight
white
choppers
and
a
taste
of
plastic-coated
perfection.
But
I
wanted
more.
SELF-IMPROVEMENT
IS
INTOXICATING.
Rather
than
satisfying
me,
it
seemed
to
draw
attention
to
everything
else
that
was
wrong.
My
straight,
white
teeth
caused
my
crow’s
feet
to
kick
up
their
heels
and
my
laugh
lines
to
mock
me.
Like
a
frantic
Ponce
de
Leon
I
began
pursuing
the
fountain
of
youth.
...
