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Meryl Cohn is the author of ‘Do What I Say: Ms. Behavior’s Guide
to Gay & Lesbian Etiquette.’ She can be reached at msbehavior@aol.com
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HOME > ENTERTAINMENT > MS. BEHAVIOR
By: Meryl Cohn COMMENTS
 
My boyfriend doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore. We’ve been
together for several years and he seems to have simply lost interest, although
he doesn’t say so.
The best I ever get out of him (after lots of cajoling) is for him to lick
my sack while I spank the monkey. At this point, it’s better than nothing,
although he pouts about the effort involved. We always said that if we stopped
having sex, we’d open the relationship up.
Do you count sack licking as sex? What about mutual masturbation? Please give
me a list of what counts and what doesn’t, so I’ll know when I’m
officially free to get out and get some hot sex, which I’ve been missing
now for several years. I’ll consider your word the final word.
Licking your “sack” doesn’t count and licking just the base
of your penis doesn’t count, and sucking just the head doesn’t
count either. In fact, anal sex doesn’t count if you thrust for less
than five minutes. And if you drop a cookie on the floor and pick it up within
5 seconds, there are no germs on it, either. Oh, wait. You’re not asking
what counts as cheating (like lesbians usually do); you want to know if you’re
still having sex with your boyfriend.
Well, sort of. Not really.
If you and your boyfriend had started out with a sex life limited to mutual
masturbation, ball licking and other such delicate snack-like activities, you
might need to count what you’re doing now as sex. But if you’ve
gone from full-fledged fucking and sucking to some occasional testicular nibbling,
the sad news is that you’ve taken the plunge into the ice-cold waters
of Homo Bed Death.
As for whether or not that entitles you to open up your relationship, Ms.
Behavior doesn’t know. If you’re not open to going to couple’s
therapy with your boyfriend, Ms. Behavior would happily encourage you to swallow
your sorrow by sucking off the entire local gay swim team. Unfortunately, the
decision about opening your relationship to others must be made by you and
your sad sack boyfriend.
I’m so happy that my girlfriend and I can officially tie the knot in
Massachusetts that I’ve been literally talking about it with everyone
I know: family, friends, co-workers. I never thought I’d live to see
the day that two happy lesbians could walk down the aisle together and be recognized
as wife and wife by the state and, of course, by the good and gracious Goddess!
How lucky we are.
Here’s my problem. Louise, my “wife” of 17 years, couldn’t
care less about getting married. It hurts me deeply because I have always wanted
to be a bride and I have always wanted to marry her.
How can I convince Louise to say, “I do”? I’m serious. I
fear that the Supreme Judicial Court decision that declares denying marriage
to homosexual couples unconstitutional will soon be overturned and I’ll
miss my chance.
Ms. Behavior joins with you in celebrating the Supreme Judicial Court decision,
and suspects the number of queers reveling in the happy news far surpasses
the number pulling each other’s hair out over who to invite or whether
to book a rabbi, minister, or judge.
Being able to convince Louise to marry you will depend on why she’s
opposed. If she’s politically distressed by the notion of marriage (e.g.,
if she believes that enacting this freedom actually involves succumbing to
oppression by the pushy white male patriarchy), she’s less likely to
flip to your way of thinking than if she’s just feeling a bit too chubby
to wear a white dress by late spring. (Think Atkins, mid-February.)
You say Louise “couldn’t care less about getting married” which
sounds more hopeful than if she were maniacally opposed. You may not be able
to make her care about getting hitched, but it doesn’t mean she won’t
do it.
The question is really: How do you convince Louise to do anything she doesn’t
feel like doing? How do you get her to walk the dog at midnight or to go to
your mother’s house for yet another holiday dinner?
If you’re like most other people, the mutual decisions in your relationship
are fueled by some combination of flattery, bribery, blackmail, and love.
Of course, manipulating someone into marrying you doesn’t feel as fulfilling
as having her fall to her knees and propose, but you’ve had her for better
or worse for 17 years, so maybe just her reluctant presence at the altar will
be enough.
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