My
boyfriend
doesn’t
want
to
have
sex
with
me
anymore.
We’ve
been
together
for
several
years
and
he
seems
to
have
simply
lost
interest,
although
he
doesn’t
say
so.
The
best
I
ever
get
out
of
him
(after
lots
of
cajoling)
is
for
him
to
lick
my
sack
while
I
spank
the
monkey.
At
this
point,
it’s
better
than
nothing,
although
he
pouts
about
the
effort
involved.
We
always
said
that
if
we
stopped
having
sex,
we’d
open
the
relationship
up.
Do
you
count
sack
licking
as
sex?
What
about
mutual
masturbation?
Please
give
me
a
list
of
what
counts
and
what
doesn’t,
so
I’ll
know
when
I’m
officially
free
to
get
out
and
get
some
hot
sex,
which
I’ve
been
missing
now
for
several
years.
I’ll
consider
your
word
the
final
word.
Licking
your
“sack”
doesn’t
count
and
licking
just
the
base
of
your
penis
doesn’t
count,
and
sucking
just
the
head
doesn’t
count
either.
In
fact,
anal
sex
doesn’t
count
if
you
thrust
for
less
than
five
minutes.
And
if
you
drop
a
cookie
on
the
floor
and
pick
it
up
within
5
seconds,
there
are
no
germs
on
it,
either.
Oh,
wait.
You’re
not
asking
what
counts
as
cheating
(like
lesbians
usually
do);
you
want
to
know
if
you’re
still
having
sex
with
your
boyfriend.
Well,
sort
of.
Not
really.
If
you
and
your
boyfriend
had
started
out
with
a
sex
life
limited
to
mutual
masturbation,
ball
licking
and
other
such
delicate
snack-like
activities,
you
might
need
to
count
what
you’re
doing
now
as
sex.
But
if
you’ve
gone
from
full-fledged
fucking
and
sucking
to
some
occasional
testicular
nibbling,
the
sad
news
is
that
you’ve
taken
the
plunge
into
the
ice-cold
waters
of
Homo
Bed
Death.
As
for
whether
or
not
that
entitles
you
to
open
up
your
relationship,
Ms.
Behavior
doesn’t
know.
If
you’re
not
open
to
going
to
couple’s
therapy
with
your
boyfriend,
Ms.
Behavior
would
happily
encourage
you
to
swallow
your
sorrow
by
sucking
off
the
entire
local
gay
swim
team.
Unfortunately,
the
decision
about
opening
your
relationship
to
others
must
be
made
by
you
and
your
sad
sack
boyfriend.
I’m
so
happy
that
my
girlfriend
and
I
can
officially
tie
the
knot
in
Massachusetts
that
I’ve
been
literally
talking
about
it
with
everyone
I
know:
family,
friends,
co-workers.
I
never
thought
I’d
live
to
see
the
day
that
two
happy
lesbians
could
walk
down
the
aisle
together
and
be
recognized
as
wife
and
wife
by
the
state
and,
of
course,
by
the
good
and
gracious
Goddess!
How
lucky
we
are.
Here’s
my
problem.
Louise,
my
“wife”
of
17
years,
couldn’t
care
less
about
getting
married.
It
hurts
me
deeply
because
I
have
always
wanted
to
be
a
bride
and
I
have
always
wanted
to
marry
her.
How
can
I
convince
Louise
to
say,
“I
do”?
I’m
serious.
I
fear
that
the
Supreme
Judicial
Court
decision
that
declares
denying
marriage
to
homosexual
couples
unconstitutional
will
soon
be
overturned
and
I’ll
miss
my
chance.
Ms.
Behavior
joins
with
you
in
celebrating
the
Supreme
Judicial
Court
decision,
and
suspects
the
number
of
queers
reveling
in
the
happy
news
far
surpasses
the
number
pulling
each
other’s
hair
out
over
who
to
invite
or
whether
to
book
a
rabbi,
minister,
or
judge.
Being
able
to
convince
Louise
to
marry
you
will
depend
on
why
she’s
opposed.
If
she’s
politically
distressed
by
the
notion
of
marriage
(e.g.,
if
she
believes
that
enacting
this
freedom
actually
involves
succumbing
to
oppression
by
the
pushy
white
male
patriarchy),
she’s
less
likely
to
flip
to
your
way
of
thinking
than
if
she’s
just
feeling
a
bit
too
chubby
to
wear
a
white
dress
by
late
spring.
(Think
Atkins,
mid-February.)
You
say
Louise
“couldn’t
care
less
about
getting
married”
which
sounds
more
hopeful
than
if
she
were
maniacally
opposed.
You
may
not
be
able
to
make
her
care
about
getting
hitched,
but
it
doesn’t
mean
she
won’t
do
it.
The
question
is
really:
How
do
you
convince
Louise
to
do
anything
she
doesn’t
feel
like
doing?
How
do
you
get
her
to
walk
the
dog
at
midnight
or
to
go
to
your
mother’s
house
for
yet
another
holiday
dinner?
If
you’re
like
most
other
people,
the
mutual
decisions
in
your
relationship
are
fueled
by
some
combination
of
flattery,
bribery,
blackmail,
and
love.
Of
course,
manipulating
someone
into
marrying
you
doesn’t
feel
as
fulfilling
as
having
her
fall
to
her
knees
and
propose,
but
you’ve
had
her
for
better
or
worse
for
17
years,
so
maybe
just
her
reluctant
presence
at
the
altar
will
be
enough.
