Nov 05, 2004  |  By: DYANA BAGBY  | COMMENTS     

OH, OPRAH. YOU got it wrong. That’s what some experts in the study of gay married men are saying about Oprah Winfrey’s recent show, “My Husband’s Gay.”

“Did you know this? There are… millions, millions of married men who are secretly gay,” the nation’s most-watched talk show host announced in opening her Oct. 27 show.

But that estimate is “completely incorrect,” says Amity Pierce Buxton, executive director of the Straight Spouse Network and author of “The Other Side of the Closet.”

Buxton, 75, was married to her husband for 25 years before he came out, prompting her to write the book in 1986.

Using academic research and Census figures that consider the size of the gay population and the percent of that population that has been married, Buxton estimates up to 2 million marriages in which a spouse — man or woman — identifies as gay or may come out as gay, lesbian or bisexual.

Her research also includes more than 20 years of interviews with 9,500 spouses in so-called “mixed-orientation marriages.”

“Of these, some come out, some will not, and some will never act on their same-gender feelings,” Buxton says.

WINFREY REFERRED TO Buxton’s research, without citing her during the show, when she told viewers that 15 percent of these couples with a gay spouse will stay together, according to a spokesperson for the “Oprah Winfrey Show.”

As for Winfrey’s proclamation that there are “millions, millions of married men who are secretly gay,” the spokesperson says producers of the show used two sources: the Aug. 13 edition of “Good Morning America” featuring Carol Grever, author of “My Husband is Gay,” and Grever’s book itself.

Grever’s book details her 30-year marriage and her husband’s coming out, and includes accounts from 25 women whose husbands also said they are gay. Winfrey profiled Grever and her husband, Jim, during the Oct. 27 show, in which he admitted to having sex with 1,000 men during his marriage.

Eric Kurtz, 68, founder of the Boston Gay & Bisexual Married Men’s Support Group, says the inclusion of Grever and other men who admitted high numbers of same-sex affairs while married gave the episode a “sensational slant.”

DURING THE SHOW, Winfrey also questioned a gay man, identified only as David, about how married men seek sex with other men on the Internet and in personal ads. Without providing any biographical information, Winfrey presented him as an expert source.

“I think people will be surprised how prevalent it is,” David says on the show. “They’re probably thinking it’s a small subculture of men when in reality it’s a very large population of married men that are out there that are looking for [sex].”

The show selected David as a guest after he filled out a form on the “Oprah” Web site, according to a show spokesperson.

“Most of what she has on the show is anecdotal… and to present it as the incarnate truth is exploitive — to the men, their wives and to the audience,” says Bill Ryan, a professor of social work at McGill University in Montreal who counsels gay married men.

A spokesperson for the Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, a media watchdog, says the group contacted the show to ensure future episodes “better represent our lives.”