ONE
NIGHT
EIGHT
years
ago,
Tim
Bergling,
a
journalist
and
television
producer
in
Washington,
D.C.,
was
in
the
America
Online
“m4m”
chat
room.
He
says
he
was
just
shooting
the
breeze,
not
looking
for
an
online
hookup.
But
when
Bergling
told
a
young,
good-looking
gay
guy
that
he
was
36,
the
man
instantly
ended
their
chat,
“Too
old.
Bye,”
he
said.
That
was
Bergling’s
first
encounter
with
ageism
among
gay
men.
It
was
like
someone
pointing
out
your
first
gray
hair,
he
says.
This
“rude
awakening”
stuck
in
his
mind
as
he
wrote
magazine
articles
on
topics
ranging
from
gay
youths
to
retirement.
Deciding
to
explore
aging
issues
more
in
depth,
Bergling
wrote
“Reeling
in
the
Years:
Gay
Men’s
Perspectives
on
Age
and
Ageism,”
which
Haworth
Press
published
earlier
this
year.
“Apparently
this
young
fellow
wasn’t
remotely
interested
in
where
I
lived,
what
I
did
for
a
living
…
if
I
did
drugs
…
beat
up
my
boyfriend
when
I
was
pissed
off
…
Just
‘How
old?’
as
if
my
age
defined
me
in
toto,”
Bergling
says.
This
experience,
in
1996
on
AOL,
wasn’t
unique,
say
Bergling
and
other
experts
on
aging.
To
learn
about
gay
male
attitudes
toward
aging,
Bergling
surveyed
about
2,000
gay
men
and
another
250
(more
in
depth)
online.
The
respondents’
ages
ranged
from
the
teens
to
the
80s.
Bergling
learned
from
the
surveys
that
ageism
cuts
across
the
spectrum
of
generations.
MANY
YOUNG
GAY
men
don’t
like
being
around
older
gay
men,
he
says.
They
think
older
men,
those
identified
as
at
least
40,
either
have
nothing
to
say
or
just
want
sex.
“Older
guys?
Forget
it,”
Jamey,
a
24-year-old
movie
store
manager
in
Detroit,
told
Bergling.
“I
get
bored
out
of
my
skull
if
one
of
them
walks
up
to
me
and
tries
to
start
a
conversation,
even
if
he
isn’t
hitting
on
me,
which
he
probably
is.”
This
generational
disdain
is
often
mutual,
Bergling
says.
Many
older
gay
men
who
responded
to
his
surveys
said
that
they
had
little
use
for
young
gay
guys.
“All
those
younger
guys
…
think
older
guys
like
me
just
want
to
get
them
all
into
bed,”
Rick,
a
45-year-old
software
consultant
in
Mansfield,
Ohio,
told
Bergling
online.
“Please!
What
an
utter
waste
of
time
would
that
be?
They
could
never
keep
up,
and
good
lord,
what
the
hell
would
we
even
talk
about?”
The
dictionary,
Bergling
says,
defines
ageism
as
“discrimination
based
on
age,
especially
prejudice
against
the
elderly.”
Our
culture
as
a
whole,
regardless
of
sexual
orientation,
remains
youth-oriented,
he
says.
This
is
even
more
evident
among
gay
men,
Bergling
says.
“Youth
and
beauty
is
the
coin
of
the
realm
in
the
gay
[male]
community,”
he
says.
To
be
sure,
not
every
gay
male
subscribes
to
this
aesthetic
and
there
are
young
gay
guys
who
are
comfortable
around
older
gay
men,
Bergling
says.
But,
nationally,
“the
young,
beautiful
jock
with
the
slim
waist
and
the
hairless
chest”
is
the
“single
largest
gay
aesthetic,”
he
says.
But
gay
men
shouldn’t
beat
themselves
up
over
this,
says
Raymond
M.
Berger,
author
of
“Gay
and
Gray,”
a
groundbreaking
work
on
gay
men
and
aging
first
published
in
1982.
“The
preference
for
youth
is
particularly
strong
in
Western
culture,
with
its
particular
emphasis
on
achievement,
and
its
promise
of
the
future,
rather
than
reminiscence
and
resting
on
one’s
laurels,”
he
said
in
an
e-mail
message.
Who
can
deny
that
young
people
are
physically
beautiful,
he
asks.
Yet,
Berger
cautions
against
failing
to
“look
beyond
the
outer
shell.”
An
octogenarian
friend
of
his
served
as
a
volunteer
for
an
elderly
nursing
home
resident.
“When
my
friend
entered
the
room,
the
resident
exclaimed
in
surprise,
‘Oh,
you
are
so
old!’
My
friend
replied,
‘I
may
be
old
on
the
outside,
but
on
the
inside
I
am
the
same
person
I
was
when
I
was
20
years
old.’
This
is
the
way
many
of
us
feel
when
we
get
older,”
Berger
says.
MICHAEL
SHERNOFF,
A
psycho-therapist
in
New
York,
said
one
reason
why
there
are
so
many
myths
about
aging
—
older
people
aren’t
sexy;
people
over
40
don’t
have
relationships;
elders
don’t
enjoy
life
—
is
the
lack
of
“homosocial”
contact
between
older
and
younger
gay
men.
“Gay
men
who
are
comfortably
entering
middle
age,
[we]
move
on
with
our
lives,”
says
Shernoff,
who
teaches
at
the
Columbia
University
School
of
Social
Work.
“We’re
not
doing
the
same
thing
as
we
did
during
our
30s
and
40s
—
like
dancing
at
gay
bars
and
clubs
—
as
much
as
we
used
to.”
Because
of
this
lack
of
inter-generational
contact,
Shernoff
says
young
gay
men
don’t
often
get
to
see
older
gay
men
as
“sexy
or
graceful.”
Robert
Kertzner,
a
psychiatrist
in
private
practice
in
San
Francisco
and
an
adjunct
associate
research
scientist
at
Columbia
University,
has
studied
gay
men
and
middle
age.
He
says
gay
men
have
some
of
the
same
aging-related
issues
as
straight
men
and
women.
“Regardless
of
sexual
orientation,
men
and
women,
as
they
get
older,
spend
more
time
reflecting
on
[their]
identity,”
Kertzner
says.
“There
can
be
a
natural
distancing
from
the
world
of
young
people.”
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