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By Woody Mille
pan class="headerBlue">Hey Woody!
I am head-over-heels in love with one of my best friends. He is everything I’m
looking for in a man. One day we got drunk and he confessed he was in love with
me, too. The problem? We’re both bottoms and he, therefore, won’t
pursue a romantic relationship with me.
Because we are best friends, I know that he’s been a top with other men.
I used to be a top, but an ex-boyfriend awakened me to the joys of being a bottom,
so I’ve been pretty much exclusively a bottom for the last few years.
I recognize that sex is an unbelievably important part of a relationship, but
I would hate to miss out on having this wonderful man in my life as more than
a friend just because of a preference or silly label. I love my friend so much
that I would do anything to make him happy, but I’m having trouble awakening
my inner top. Any advice?
pan class="subheader">Topless in Atlanta
pan class="headerBlue">Dear Topless:
You label queens kill me. You’d give up your soul mate because he’s
not the right bed bait? Call me weird, but I’d rather jerk off with someone
I love than screw someone I don’t.
Here’s a novel idea. Why don’t you date first and figure out the
sex later? You guys don’t have a prayer of getting together unless you
stop confusing sexual positions with personal identities. I mean, read your
letter again. It’s full of “I AM a bottom” and “he IS
a bottom” rather than “I prefer bottoming” or “He likes
to get penetrated.”
See, it’s easier to expand a behavioral preference than to change a psychological
identity. So the first thing you’ve got to do is reframe what you consider
an identity into what it really is — a sex act. Then and only then do
you have a shot at making the changes you want.
Here’s what I recommend:
pan class="subheader">Prioritize. Sex may be important but it’s
not what keeps couples together. Ask anyone in a long-term relationship. You
guys didn’t just make sex the most important criteria for having a relationship,
you’ve made it the only one. How about knocking sex down a peg or two
on your hierarchy of importance? You’re so concerned with sexual compatibility
that you haven’t given any thought to dating compatibility. Just because
you’re good friends doesn’t mean you’d make good lovers. Get
some romantic experiences under your belt before you reach for his pants.
pan class="subheader">Diversify. You’re both acting as if screwing
is the only acceptable thing you can do in bed. Ever heard of blowjobs, hand
jobs, rimming, finger-play, shall I go on? There’s a lot more to sex than
sticking it in a hole and banging away. Although don’t mention that to
my bed buddies. I don’t want them getting ideas.
pan class="subheader">Believe in change. You said yourself that you
enjoyed topping and then switched to bottoming. Well, you changed once. You
don’t think it can happen again? Here’s my two-word reply: Puh-leeze.
Lovers often go through phases where one is completely into bottoming or topping.
Then they reverse, or shift from one to the other, depending on the mood or
situation.
Different people in different situations bring out different sexual appetites.
Neither of you might want to top each other today, but you’re a fool if
you think your feelings won’t change as the relationship changes. If love
can move mountains, what do you think it can do to bedrooms?
If you want a jump-start, try Viagra or its competitors a couple of times (just
make sure you don’t have a heart or blood pressure condition). Sometimes
all it takes to hit a home run is a chance at bat.
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