May 27, 2005   | COMMENTS     

Stop whining already! If you don’t like the bars in this neighborhood, you can move. There are plenty of neighborhoods without bars and taverns and restaurants. And with that, you also get a boring life.

Sometimes I look at the long-term couples I know and wonder how are they able to so thoroughly disguise any indication of their love for one another.

I was wondering if there is a comprehensive list of “Problems with Gay Society” besides No. 45 that I read in “Bitch Session.”

Bitch Boy responds: Problem with Gay Society No. 46: Gay men who lack a sarcastic sense of humor.

Guys, please get tested for syphilis, I have had six friends in the last three months test positive for it. They all practice “safe sex,” and got it anyway.

Why is it that the guys who expose their butt cracks always seem to be either fat or nasty looking?

I have nothing against karaoke, but why do so many of us benders insist on singing ballads? Ballads in a bar are boring.

I’m so over the whole Tina and unsafe sex trend. When are you going to realize that strangers topping you gave you HIV? Wake up bitches, you ain’t gettin’ any younger!

I stopped talking to you because you let me down when I needed a simple favor and then refused to accept that you’re head games made me yell at you.

So you are a butchy, dykie looking lesbian, and I am a very femme dyke with two kids. That doesn’t make you any more lesbian than I am?

To the professional chatters 30 or older: You hit your stride more than a decade ago. The word “boy” or “boi” no longer applies to you. And for that matter, neither do club clothes.

To the guy with “only” a five-inch member: As a black male, my conversations usually end with “seven inches.” Now that’s a bitch.

People who spy on other people have even bigger skeletons to hide.

Bitch Boy responds: Sounds like someone got busted!

He’s gay or he’s straight, who cares? Can’t we just let those of us who enjoy his music and what he stands for just do that? I’m proud of Clay Aiken for standing up in the face of adversity. There is no measuring this man!

Bitch Boy responds: He sure was keen to know my measurements when we met online.

Muscular gym rats think they’ve earned their superiority trip because they assume less muscular guys just don’t try as hard. Truth is, without their “lucky” genes and their steroids, they would be no bigger than most other guys.

What is this “what if” regarding Terri Schiavo being kept alive if she were a lesbian? A life is a life. Get over your obsession with whether people are gay, lesbian or straight.

If Terri Schiavo were a lesbian, the feeding tube would not have been taken out? Hello? If she had been a lesbian, those right-to-lifers would probably have never been there fighting to keep her alive, and Congress would have ignored it.

You didn’t call because you didn’t want to become a satellite that revolves around me? If a simple phone call makes you that, then what the hell hyperbole does a date make you? I was right to chalk you up as a loser the first time.

You bitches must be insane! Wear a condom or learn to do the slip ‘n’ slide. There’s nothing wrong with frottage. It can keep you virus free!

If you fondle my billiards without asking and the ball cracks, don’t be shocked.

To the lesbian warning us about smooth talking “professional” she-devils. Baby, get real. If you are taken by the fact that she is an administrative assistant, then you really don’t even know what a professional is.

Dear curious straight guys: Why don’t you read Lithuanian history to satisfy your curiosity, instead of spamming our chat rooms?

“Bitch Session” reminds me of the early ’80s when the same issues were talked about in the bars. I guess with the clothes coming back from back then, why wouldn’t queer gossip return as well?

I would never speak to, much less associate with, someone who is male but comes across feminine.

Bitch Boy responds: Having listened to your voice mail, I can only wonder how you live with ...