Jul 08, 2005   | COMMENTS     

Hey Woody!
My partner and I are trying to add a little spice to our serviceable but rather bland sex life. Any suggestions? Just keep in mind that we consider salt and pepper spices, so don’t be giving us hair-straightening Tabasco sauce suggestions!
Vanilla aching for flavor

Dear Vanilla:
Listen, you’re talking to the right guy. My idea of kinky is having sex with a guy whose name I remember. I called up my friend Robert Davolt, author of ‘Painfully Obvious’ and asked him what lightweights like you and I could do to spice things up without scaring the hell out of ourselves. Listen to Robert — he is to BDSM what Michael Jackson is to NAMBLA — a recognized leader. Here’s what he suggested:

Heat play. “A popular form of administering pain,” Robert said. Basically, you drip candle wax on certain body parts or apply analgesic heat creams that athletes use. A couple of cautions: Minimize wax burns and welts by pouring from further away than you think (say, 8-12 inches from the skin). This gives the wax more time to cool before it hits the skin. However, it does increase the splatter factor. Robert thinks about all the angles, that’s why I love him. He also warns that different colors and scents will cause candles to melt at different temperatures, so test it out on yourself first.

Beware of using heat creams because they could cause chemical burns or rashes if used incorrectly or if you’re unknowingly allergic to them. Try a small amount first and always have a cool, wet rag handy to wipe away.

Hood ornaments: Hoods provide a blank canvas for the imagination. Put it on before the action begins and you can become another person. It also heightens the mystery for your partner. If your loved one can’t see your facial expressions, it’ll leave them with a tingling curiosity. “What’s he thinking?” “What’s he feeling?”

One or both partners can wear leather, rubber or spandex hoods. Just make sure that it’s comfortable for a reasonable amount of time and allows for unobstructed breathing. Some hoods restrict vision as well. Safety suggestion: Both partners should be able to breathe and at least one partner should be able to see clearly, if for no other reason than to suck off the guy you’re hooded partner doesn’t know is there.

Hey Woody!
I read your article on “Chasing away Mr. Right for Mr. Wrong.” As a psychotherapist, I often work with LBGT clients struggling with this issue. Thank you for so clearly explaining what is usually the real problem. The Buddha would be proud of you. And thanks also for promoting therapy as a viable avenue for effective change. I’m curious, have you ever considered becoming a proper therapist?
Shrink on your side

Dear Shrink:
You must be joking. Me a shrink? The guy who throws pennies in the wishing well hoping that nobody’s wishes come true? The guy whose upbeat view of abortion is “Lose 5 pounds in 5 days?”

I think not. But you do bring up a good point. I’m a great believer in therapy. It’s been a tremendous help in various stages of my life. As you can see, it’s made me sweeter to my fellow man. But seriously, I credit therapy with accepting my own homosexuality. I remember wanting to quit college because I was so unhappy with life because of this sexual “curse” I had (loving men). I remember talking to my older brother about quitting and though he didn’t know why I was so unhappy he suggested I do what he did — go to therapy. I remember being shocked. Here was my older brother, an athletic star, telling me he went to therapy! I learned a valuable lesson then: Sometimes it takes a “senior” person to give you “permission” to get help. I took the permission and my life opened up. So as the senior ass master of this rag, consider this if you’re struggling with any issue, sexual or not: Permission granted.