Jul 08, 2005  |  By: Michael Alvea  | COMMENTS     

WITH MOST MAJOR airlines on the brink of bankruptcy and theme airlines sprouting up like mushrooms, I’ve been peddling to investors the idea of a gay airline.

Here’s my blueprint. First, we’d need a name and tag line reflecting the passion of the airline’s patrons. My recommendation: “Air Head. Our Service Will Blow You Away.”

The changes would be noticeable right away, starting with on-time departures. There wouldn’t be any, for starters. All that rushing around to get to the gate on time? Gone.

The estimated time of departure would refer to the approximate time the pilots would be getting out of the shower. Air Head, like its customers, would be fashionably late.

The seat selection process would change, too. It wouldn’t be about window or aisle as much as hot or not. Air Head’s Web site would show photos of booked passengers so you can make seat selections based on their looks. That way you’d up your chances for a lay-over.

SECURITY GUARDS WOULD be renamed “social security guards” to reflect the gregarious nature of the airline’s passengers. They’d frisk us, then put their hands against the wall and say, “Your turn.” No reason to ask if there’s a pistol in their pocket or if they’re just happy to see you. The answer is yes.

Screeners at the X-ray machine would be trained as club doormen instead. They’d be dressed in black, wear earpieces and let you through the velvet rope once they see your name on the list.

We’d spice up the in-flight magazines, too. Aisle after aisle, you’d hear flight attendants ask, “Excuse me sir, would you like to read Time, Newsweek or Inches?”

And enough with the Muzac. How about six channels of head-banging house music? Giant stereo speakers would line the exit doors in case the understandable need to look down on people as you dance takes over.

Of course, you couldn’t have that kind of music without mile-high party favors. That’s why we’d introduce a complimentary “SkyBump.” It would add another 36,000 feet to your high.

You could do your Skybumps in peace, too, because there’d be an in-flight back room. Naturally, it would be pitch-black with no seats and grubby walls. And if enough passengers partake, well, then every Air Head jet, from the large 757’s to the gigantic airbuses would be considered “puddle jumpers.”

WE’D ALSO UPDATE the emergency exit instructions. Superbly choreographed evacuation strategies will make you hope for a mid-flight engine failure to try out the moves.

Air Head would have the most politically correct lavatories on the planet. There’d be four: male, female, male-to-female and female-to-male.

Given the amount of time gay men would spend looking at themselves in the mirror, the signs on the lavatories wouldn’t say “Occupied.” They’d say “Preoccupied.”

I know I don’t need to say this, but flight attendant uniforms would be so skimpy you could fax them into the plane. For once, let the customer be the one to say, “No shirt, no service!”

One of the great innovations I’d bring to the market is a software program allowing you to know more about the plane’s crew. Every seat would be equipped with online profiles of the flight staff.

No point in hitting on them if they’re hitched — or worse — straight. We could have a “hot or not” button beside each profile and vote the losers off the plane, to be replaced with cuter stewards at the next stop.

Air Head would be the first airline to prohibit carry-ons. No, not suitcases. Rants from the people sitting next to you. Some people just carry on forever if you don’t bury your head in a book and pretend not to hear them.

I’ve shopped the concept to Wall Street with no luck. They all have the same objection: The FAA does not allow mirrors except in the bathroom.

“For heaven’s sakes,” one investor at a high-flying firm told me, “You can’t have a gay airline without mirrors glued to the back of every chair!”