EVIL
TONYA
TURNER
might
be
able
to
beat
bitchy
Alexis
Carrington
in
a
catfight.
For
all
of
you
who
say,
“There
is
no
way
that
anyone
could
top
Joan
Collins’
diva-licious
antics
on
‘Dynasty,’”
you
haven’t
seen
“Footballers
Wive$.”
It’s
in
the
midst
of
its
first
season,
on
Sunday
nights
at
9
p.m.,
on
BBC
America.
Tonya
(Zöe
Lucker)
is
a
disgustingly
rich,
chain-smoking,
coke-snorting,
manipulative,
crazy
woman.
Boy,
is
she
fabulous.
Her
relationship
with
philandering
footballer
(or,
as
we
say
here
in
the
colonies,
“soccer
player”)
husband,
Jason
(Cristian
Solimeno),
is
so
astonishingly
dysfunctional
that
it’s
a
pleasure
to
watch.
Jason
plays
for
the
Earls
Park
Sparks,
a
fictional
soccer
team,
along
with
kind
Ian
(Nathan
Constance),
sexy-but-naive
Kyle
(Gary
Lucy),
and
Italian
superstar
Sal
(Daniel
Schutzmann).
We
never
see
them
in
a
match,
rarely
seem
them
on
the
field,
but
often
see
the
team
in
the
locker
room
and
showers.
Maybe
we
never
see
them
play
because
it’s
clear
that
the
women
are
in
charge.
Ian
has
Donna
(Katherine
Monaghan),
who
frets
over
their
long-lost
son.
Kyle
is
married
to
Chardonnay
(Susie
Amy),
a
former
topless
model
who
is
annoyed
by
her
husband’s
meddling
mother,
Jackie
(Gillian
Taylforth).
And
let’s
not
forget
Donna’s
slutty
sister
Marie
(Micaiah
Dring),
who
makes
her
rounds
on
the
team.
Then,
there
is
the
amazing
Tanya,
who
bludgeoned
the
team’s
owner
in
the
first
episode
after
he
threatened
to
bench
her
husband.
He’s
now
in
a
coma
and
she’s
been
waiting
by
his
bedside,
trying
to
devise
a
way
to
off
him
for
good.
She’s
like
Lady
Macbeth
on
crack.
There
aren’t
any
gay
characters
on
the
show
yet,
but
look
for
lesbian
sports
agent
Hazel
Bailey
(Alison
Newman)
to
join
the
cast
near
the
end
of
the
season.
A
HUGE
HIT
on
Britian’s
ITV,
where
it
just
finished
its
fourth
season,
BBC
America
seems
to
have
scheduled
“Wive$”
to
capitalize
on
the
success
of
ABC’s
“Desperate
Housewives,”
which
airs
on
ABC
in
the
same
time
slot.
While
they’re
both
prime-time
soap
operas,
they
couldn’t
be
more
different.
“Housewives,”
from
gay
creator
Marc
Cherry,
looks
at
the
genre
with
a
winking
eye,
using
a
hefty
amount
of
irony,
slapstick
and
dark
humor
to
make
a
light,
but
suspenseful,
confection.
“Wive$”
has
no
intention
of
being
subtle
or
silly.
This
is
balls-to-the-wall
night-time
drama.
It
mixes
over-the-top
characters
in
opulent
clothes
and
mansions
a
lá
“Dynasty”
and
“
Dallas”
with
the
fast-paced,
outlandish
plots
of
“
Melrose
Place.”
The
stories
are
insane.
You
will
find
yourself
saying,
“Oh
no,
she
didn’t,”
at
least
once
an
episode.
Because
of
this
signature
outrageousness,
“Wive$”
tends
to
be
a
little
campy
(one
of
the
characters
has
an
actual
fairy
tale
wedding),
but
it
never
goes
for
laughs.
The
Aug.
7
program
marks
the
midway
point
of
the
first
season’s
eight
episodes.
But
because
the
plot
moves
so
quickly,
you
can
easily
tune
in
late.
For
those
who
don’t
want
to
miss
a
second,
however,
the
first
season
is
already
available
on
DVD.
BBC
America
plans
to
roll
out
the
next
season
in
October.
Just
don’t
go
poking
around
the
Internet,
because
it’s
easy
to
find
synopses
of
plots
for
the
programs
that
already
aired
in
the
UK.
When
dealing
with
something
as
fun
as
“Footballers
Wive$”
it
would
be
terrible
to
ruin
the
surprises.
