HOME > ENTERTAINMENT > TELEVISION
By: BRIAN MOYLAN COMMENTS
 
EVIL TONYA TURNER might be able to beat bitchy Alexis Carrington in a catfight.
For all of you who say, “There is no way that anyone could top Joan Collins’ diva-licious antics on ‘Dynasty,’” you haven’t seen “Footballers Wive$.” It’s in the midst of its first season, on Sunday nights at 9 p.m., on BBC America.
Tonya (Zöe Lucker) is a disgustingly rich, chain-smoking, coke-snorting, manipulative, crazy woman. Boy, is she fabulous.
Her relationship with philandering footballer (or, as we say here in the colonies, “soccer player”) husband, Jason (Cristian Solimeno), is so astonishingly dysfunctional that it’s a pleasure to watch.
Jason plays for the Earls Park Sparks, a fictional soccer team, along with kind Ian (Nathan Constance), sexy-but-naive Kyle (Gary Lucy), and Italian superstar Sal (Daniel Schutzmann).
We never see them in a match, rarely seem them on the field, but often see the team in the locker room and showers.
Maybe we never see them play because it’s clear that the women are in charge. Ian has Donna (Katherine Monaghan), who frets over their long-lost son.
Kyle is married to Chardonnay (Susie Amy), a former topless model who is annoyed by her husband’s meddling mother, Jackie (Gillian Taylforth).
And let’s not forget Donna’s slutty sister Marie (Micaiah Dring), who makes her rounds on the team.
Then, there is the amazing Tanya, who bludgeoned the team’s owner in the first episode after he threatened to bench her husband. He’s now in a coma and she’s been waiting by his bedside, trying to devise a way to off him for good. She’s like Lady Macbeth on crack.
There aren’t any gay characters on the show yet, but look for lesbian sports agent Hazel Bailey (Alison Newman) to join the cast near the end of the season.
A HUGE HIT on Britian’s ITV, where it just finished its fourth season, BBC America seems to have scheduled “Wive$” to capitalize on the success of ABC’s “Desperate Housewives,” which airs on ABC in the same time slot.
While they’re both prime-time soap operas, they couldn’t be more different. “Housewives,” from gay creator Marc Cherry, looks at the genre with a winking eye, using a hefty amount of irony, slapstick and dark humor to make a light, but suspenseful, confection.
“Wive$” has no intention of being subtle or silly. This is balls-to-the-wall night-time drama. It mixes over-the-top characters in opulent clothes and mansions a lá “Dynasty” and “ Dallas” with the fast-paced, outlandish plots of “ Melrose Place.”
The stories are insane. You will find yourself saying, “Oh no, she didn’t,” at least once an episode.
Because of this signature outrageousness, “Wive$” tends to be a little campy (one of the characters has an actual fairy tale wedding), but it never goes for laughs.
The Aug. 7 program marks the midway point of the first season’s eight episodes. But because the plot moves so quickly, you can easily tune in late. For those who don’t want to miss a second, however, the first season is already available on DVD.
BBC America plans to roll out the next season in October. Just don’t go poking around the Internet, because it’s easy to find synopses of plots for the programs that already aired in the UK.
When dealing with something as fun as “Footballers Wive$” it would be terrible to ruin the surprises.
| 
