If
there
ever
were
an
audacious
holiday,
Valentine's
Day
is
it.
Proudly,
unabashedly,
it
encourages
sentiments
printed
on
little
candy
hearts,
a
proliferation
of
red
roses
in
gas
stations
and
appalling
public
displays
of
personal
affection.
Of
course,
it's
not
all
bad.
Valentine's
Day,
like
most
holidays,
induces
a
certain
amount
of
introspection
and
relationship
analysis.
For
some,
the
examination
will
be
painful.
Not
every
single
person
appreciates
being
reminded
of
their
lack
of
significant
other
-
not
every
coupled
person
appreciates
having
their
significant
other.
Fortunately,
there
are
plenty
of
gay
and
lesbian
relationship
experts
that
can
help.
Barb
Elgin
is
founder
of
Coach
Sappho,
a
relationship
coaching
business.
A
relationship
coach,
as
Elgin
describes
it,
is
a
little
less
than
a
therapist,
but
a
little
more
than
a
best
friend.
Elgin,
44,
who
is
a
lesbian,
works
to
help
people
improve
their
lives
so
they
are
more
prepared
to
enter
romantic
relationships.
"I
started
off
really
working
a
lot
with
lesbian
women
across
the
board
with
relationship
issues,
personal
issues,"
Elgin
says.
"Quite
a
few
women
would
come
to
me
around
the
issue
of
leaving
marriages.
Now
I'm
really
honing
in
and
focusing
in
on
things
-
in
particular
GLBT
singles."
Elgin
brings
her
national
"Coach
Sappho
Tour
D'amour"
to
Lambda
Rising
in
her
native
Baltimore
on
Feb.
10,
where
she
plans
to
counsel
couples
and
hawk
her
relationship
CDs.
ELGIN
HAS
PLENTY
of
advice
for
how
to
alter
the
course
of
gay
and
lesbian
relationships
before
they
even
start.
"There's
the
scarcity
trap,
where
it
just
seems
really
hard
to
find
people
that
are
in
healthy
situations
that
you
can
date,"
Elgin
says,
adding
that
she
wants
to
help
people
find
those
healthy
places
so
they'll
be
more
attractive
to
prospective
partners.
Discovering
who
you
really
are
and
what
you
require
in
a
relationship
is
essential,
Elgin
says,
and
something
her
coaching
emphasizes.
"Singles
really
can
use
a
lot
of
support,"
Elgin
says.
"Most
of
us
walk
into
relationships
with
what's
called
an
unconscious
frame
of
mind,
which
means
that
we
have
no
process
to
judge."
Elgin
says
she
tries
to
include
as
many
perspectives
as
possible
in
her
relationship
groups
so
people
can
better
understand
different
points
of
view.
"If
it's
a
group
of
all
women,
they're
missing
a
masculine
perspective,"
Elgin
says.
"If
it's
all
gay,
they're
missing
a
straight
perspective.
There's
no
easy
answer,
but
what
I'm
moving
toward
is
inclusiveness."
Homophobes
need
not
apply,
however.
"If
you're
an
irritant,
you
can't
be
in
the
group,"
Elgin
adds.
Steve
Geishecker,
clinical
program
manager
of
mental
health
services
at
Whitman-Walker
Clinic,
agrees
that
many
relationship
issues
are
universal
"A
lot
of
the
challenges
that
all
couples
face
are
very
similar,
"
Geishecker
says.
Gender-role
interplay
distinguishes
same-sex
relationships,
however,
he
says.
"Some
of
the
ways
that
we're
socialized
will
come
into
play
because,
typically
speaking,
women
are
often
focused
on
the
connectedness
and
relatedness
and
much
more
emotive
than
men
typically
are,"
Geishecker
says,
being
careful
to
point
out
that
the
statement
is
a
"broad
generalization."
"Males
tend
to
have
some
challenges
around
being
vulnerable
and
communication
control
issues,
competitiveness,
those
kinds
of
things,"
Geishecker
says.
"Some
of
the
core
traits
that
are
gender-specific
can
sometimes
clash
in
same-sex
relationships."
HE
ALSO
ACKNOWLEGES
that
Valentine's
Day
can
be
difficult
for
some
singles.
"When
you
look
around
and
there's
a
world
of
couples
around
you,
it
can
be
a
pretty
big
jab
to
one's
ego,"
Geishecker
says.
"We
typically
find
that
it's
a
challenging
time
for
singles.
It
only
magnifies
the
loneliness
that
singles
feel.
People
who
want
to
be
in
a
relationship
will
feel
sad
and
lonely
if
they're
not."
Geishecker
and
Elgin
recommend
that
people
who
think
Valentine's
Day
may
depress
them
find
a
single
friend
or
other
person
who
feels
similarly
and
make
plans
with
them.
Kathleen
DeBold,
executive
director
of
lesbian
health
organization
the
Mautner
Project,
says
that
singles
and
couples
alike
should
focus
on
the
positive
message
of
Valentine's
Day.
"One
of
the
things
with
our
movement
that
sometimes
we
forget
because
we're
always
talking
about
equality
and
rights
and
wrongs
that
are
perpetuated
upon
us,"
she
says.
"We
forget
to
talk
about
love
and
that's
why
we're
lesbians,
because
we
love
other
women."
