Mar 23, 2007  |  By: JULIE R. ENSZE  | COMMENTS     

THERE MAY COME a time when my beloved and I are the last couple on the planet that hasn’t been registered, committed or married in some way.

Of course, we may get crazy and play the married/united/domesticated game — especially if it happens in our home state of Maryland. Even if we do, however, I’ll be keeping my name and she’ll be doing the same.

Frankly, I thought that the era of adults, or more accurately women, changing their names in marriage had passed. Recently, though, we went to a wedding where the bride was taking the groom’s name; honestly, I was shocked. Then I read about AB 102 in California, which would allow gay and lesbian people to change their surnames upon domestic partnership registration. Obviously, I support this bill from an equity perspective, but I feel like we need to step back and ask ourselves why people are changing their names.

I understand the significance of naming. Really, I do. I’ve known couples that have hyphenated their names as a symbol of their commitment; couples that have smushed their names together; couples that have taken on another completely different surname that they could share. Intellectually, I support it all. Moreover, I don’t think the state should be interfering with what people want to name themselves and certainly the bureaucratic fees strike me as unduly invasive — especially when applied to gay and lesbian people unequally.

Still, I think we need to take a step back and ask ourselves, is this the direction in which we want to move? Do we want to generate ease of access for people to change their name at the time of registering a relationship?

MY VISION AS a feminist has always been that everyone would keep his or her own name throughout life. Most women I know who have married men have done just that. The angst that some imagined when they had children really hasn’t panned out. They give their children a surname and that’s that. How confusing is it? If a mother has a different last name from her child, the child usually pipes in, “Nope, that’s my Mom, Mrs. Such and So.” Same with the father with a different last name. If this isn’t that difficult for children to understand, why should it be for adults?

Changing your name is a big hassle according to everyone I know who has done it. Driver’s licenses, credit cards, credit reports, utilities, the list goes on. It seems to me that if the queer community is to embrace the notion of changing our names when we partner with someone, we are headed for a future of stress and distress.

And remember that sometimes relationships end. Ask any woman who has taken the name of her male partner, which is as the California legislation reminds us, really easy to do in a heterosexual marriage, what a pain it is — practically and emotionally — to get rid of that name when the marriage ends. Most people I know only make the mistake (their word, not mine) of taking someone else’s name once and find in subsequent marriages there is plenty that they can share beyond the names of the fathers.

AGAIN, IF HAVING a last name in common floats your boat, I don’t have any issue with it. Go ahead. Change your name. From an equity perspective, I don’t even quibble too much with the legislation in California. Frankly, I understand the power of incrementalism and I believe that California will be a state to lead the way in our quest for equal rights. This piece of legislation is one example of creative ways to demonstrate the disparities that gay and lesbian couples face compared to their heterosexual counterparts.

From a personal perspective, however, I have to raise the question: Is the equal playing field that we are trying to create for gay and lesbian couples one in which we have to change our names? Couldn’t we give a gift to everyone in this country and continue to make it cool to have two different names within intimate partnerships?

I, for one, plan to keep my name, with all its spelling difficulties, for the rest of my life, regardless of any future official encounters at supposed altars.