Jun 22, 2007   | COMMENTS     

Hey Woody!

I’m a butt freak. I love to “toss salad” and get my own lettuce flipped. I want my sphincter in porn-quality shape — the pinkest pink possible.

Have you heard of anal bleaching? I want to get it done, but where? It’s not the kind of thing salons advertise. Also, is it possible to do it yourself?

Clorox clean

Dear Clorox,

You’re out of luck. There are only two salons I know of that do it — one in Australia and one in Los Angeles called Pink Cheeks, which has a sign hanging on the wall that says, “No whining.”

Funny, I have the same sign hanging over my bed.

Here’s how the backdoor beauty regimen works: You clear any hair, then apply bleaching creams with the active ingredients used in photo processing and rubber manufacturing.

Ahh, smearing toxic chemicals on my ass — now there’s a procedure I don’t get nearly enough of.

Anyway, you then use the cream each night until you achieve the desired lightness. Professional butt-bleachers claim results in one to two weeks.

I’m strongly opposed to anal bleaching. First, who’s going to know? How many people are going to look at your starfish with enough light to tell the difference? Are you expecting guys to say, “You know, there’s something different about you, but I can’t put my finger on it?”

Second, and more importantly, medical experts believe the active ingredients in bleach creams are toxic. Basically, you’d be rubbing flammable chemicals on a very sensitive area.

If you’re going to pursue a perfect shade no matter what I say, then at least look for creams that don’t have hydroquinone or mercury.

There’s only one bleaching cream with non-toxic, natural ingredients. And no, I’m not going to tell you what it is because I don’t want the results on my hands.

Wait. That didn’t come out right.

Anyway, shaving may not get your nether region in porn-quality shape, but it’s a whole lot safer. It heightens sensations and improves sanitation. So lose the hair. You have two options:

Depilatory Creams:

Use only the ones marked “for sensitive areas.” Remember, products like Nair are c-h-e-m-i-c-a-l-s. If there’s no hair left to dissolve because you left it on too long, it’ll start dissolving your skin. So, if it says “leave on for two or three minutes,” stare at the stopwatch and end it at the suggested time.

Shaving:

Do not use an electric shaver. I shouldn’t have to say it, but I’ve learned to never under-estimate stupidity: Do not wax the hair. Your screams will shatter all the windows in the house.

For best results, follow the instructions in my column about shaving your balls. Here’s the short version: Cut the extra long hair with scissors, take a warm bath to open the pores, spread your legs and shave. Carefully. You don’t want the tub drain to look like the one in “Psycho.”