Oct 03, 2008  |  By: WOODY MILLER  | COMMENTS     

HEY WOODY!

I’ve pretty much lost all hope of ever meeting anyone for a meaningful relationship. It’s been 10 years since I last dated anyone (I’m 38). It’s been so long since I last had sex I can’t even remember who or when it was.

Until recently, I went out every weekend and had profiles on almost all the social networking sites, gay and straight. I know that going out to the club isn’t the best place to meet someone, but I don’t live in a huge gay mecca. There aren’t gay coffee shops or restaurants to frequent.

When I do go out I’m never even looked at. Physically I’m no Adonis but it’s not like I need to be rolled back out to sea either. I think I’m a very friendly person with a big heart and great sense of humor but it’s hard for that to shine through on profiles.

I think part of my problem is that I’ve just accepted that I will be alone for the rest of my life. But it’s hard not to have that mentality when it seems no one is interested. In a couple of years I will be 40 and I just feel that by then it will all be over.

I’ve even advertised on Craig’s List, offering to give oral with no reciprocation required … and still nothing. If I can’t even give away a blowjob how can I get anyone interested in me for more?

All Hope Lost



DEAR LOST: I ached when I read this. Your heart’s broken in so many pieces your e-mail jingled when I opened it.

Sadly, it’s all because you’ve bought into a false premise — the one that says if you just go to the right bar you’ll find HIM. That if you just wore something better, drove something newer, said something smarter, HE would magically appear. That if you earned more or looked hotter HE would save you. Or at least buy you a drink.

Well, HE won’t. Part of being single is learning how to handle that awful truth. Nobody is coming to rescue you.

However, you can rescue yourself — and get a relationship — if you’d repair the fatal flaw in your thinking. See, boyfriends don’t bring happiness; happiness brings boyfriends. And you’re about as happy as Kate Moss with blocked nostrils.

Until you really “get” that happiness brings boyfriends, not the other way around, you’re doomed to singlehood — or worse, honkin’ bad boyfriends. So, instead of looking for a husband, get yourself ready for one. How? With a romance douche.

You don’t want anybody dating you when you’re feeling crappy between your ears.

That’s why you need something that’ll flush out your system so you don’t drive away potential husbands, or worse, stain something valuable.

A romance douche is simply what I call a “time out.” A break from boyfriend hunting. A three-to-six month holiday to build stronger connections with friends and family, with hobbies and sports. A leave of absence from the back-breaking work of scaring up a partner so you can cultivate passions and involve yourself with things that make you interesting, and dare I say it, happy.

Let the sabbatical be your enema and I promise you’ll have so many guys applying for the husband job you’ll have to put up a sign that says, “Line forms in the rear.”

Reach Woody at his new blog: www.mikealvear.com