(Clockwise from the top) Madonna’s brother has made sickening accusations, Elton John gets the dairy treatment and Al Reynolds tries to set the record straight. (Photos by AP)
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Friday, July 18, 2008
Dish loves the appropriation of biblical legends. As such, she is practically falling out of her tube top at the chance to reference Cain and Abel thanks to ’s latest appearance in the headlines. It appears that she is most definitely not her brother’s keeper, as bro has just penned a tell-all book called “Life With My Sister Madonna.”
Early reports put the book in line for a prestigious “Captain Obvious” award, as it seems mostly comprised of tidbits about Madonna being a total whack-job. Page Six reports that some of the less-than-juicy factoids include that Madge may have slapped fish with and that her husband is a raging homophobe. (Honestly, you’d think he wouldn’t have married one of the biggest gay icons in the world if he were so troubled by the gays.)
Dish did, however, find one piece of information that would’ve been worth writing her mother about, if Dish’s mother wasn’t a test tube. It seems that Madonna’s interior decorating scheme includes an 8x12-foot photo of herself in S&M gear lying on a bed full of dead animals. Plus, it’s in a place where the kids can see it.
Dish has done her research and found that one Beverly Hills shrink offers an “all-you-can-analyze” lifetime therapy plan. For one low introductory rate, these kids can take all the time they need to recover from the looming omnipresence of Madge’s kinky habits.
Garbage. Live eels. . What do these things have in common? Dish does not want to eat them. However, liberal ice creamers Ben and Jerry have created another affront to common decency by crafting a limited edition ice cream flavor in honor of Sir Elton.
“Goodbye Yellow Brickle Road,” will contain chocolate ice cream, peanut butter cookie dough, butter brickle and white chocolate chunks. In short, it contains what is probably the plump pop star’s breakfast, lunch, dinner and midnight snack. Dish doesn’t want to be overly judgmental, but she thinks Elton might not have thought out the implications of a notoriously overweight celebrity shilling heavy cream.
“Brickle Road” was created to celebrate Elton’s July 21 first concert in Vermont, the only American state he has yet to play. It will be sold from July 18-25 in Vermont Ben & Jerry’s locations, with proceeds going to benefit the Elton John AIDS Foundation.
Dish is no conspiracy theorist, but something about this is suspect to her. The confluence of Vermont, Elton John and white chocolate makes her think that the heavy hand of the gay mafia is at play. Maybe California was stealing Vermont’s gay marriage thunder and so drastic measures were being taken to get it back? Stay tuned, dear readers, as Dish creates her own carton of “A Caramel in the Wind” and does some detective work.
Hey, know who’s not gay? . Know why he’s not gay? Because he says so! The former Mr. has long been plagued by allegations of buggery, but he is refuting them in the most respectable, legitimate way possible: Posting some homemade videos on YouTube. That bastion of online credibility is now home to several clips of Reynolds speaking with an interviewer about all the irrefutable evidence pointing to his love of boobies.
“I teach kids at a university,” Reynolds says. “I have a doctorate degree that I’m working on…this...trumps the gossip because it’s the truth.”
Dish is sold! No gay man alive would be caught doing something as tacky as pursuing higher education or expanding young minds. Sorry, Al, I’ll never call your ex-wife a beard again. Even if she’s actually growing one.
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