Aug 22, 2008   | COMMENTS     

Hey Woody!

I’m getting older — in dog years, I’d be dead. Fortunately, my taste has aged along with my fashion sense, so guys my age are not out of the question. But every now and again, I confess to trolling the twinky bars and culling the herd.

Anyway, as a tried-and-true top, I’ve been experimenting with being a bottom. I went out and bought myself one of those shower douche attachments, but now I’m a bit worried that I might damage myself and wind up as a garden fountain at a garage sale.

At first, I could barely get the thing in, and it’s pathetically small. Now I finally know what all those bottoms were screaming about.

Thing is, after some practice, I can slip that puppy so far up that I can gargle and douche at the same time! So I’ve been douching like a hooker on a Sunday morning and must admit, when that jet hits my prostate, it feels pretty good.

So, I’ve been turning up the pressure. Sure, I know I could blow my insides out my navel, so I try to be careful, but on occasion I confess that the local fire department could rent me, point me to a raging fire and put it out when I let go!

Here’s my question: Aside from turning my navel into a drinking fountain, can douching too much do any harm

Flushed Out Fanny

Dear Fanny:

You know what I hate about e-mails like yours? They’re so damn funny I can’t compete. So, let me give it to you straight: The only way too much douching is going to hurt you is if you’re a woman. As many as 40 percent of women who douche a lot get vaginal infections.

Wait, did I just say “vaginal?” Somebody shoot me.

At any rate, douche away. Just a couple of precautions: Only use water — no chemicals of any kind. And watch out that you don’t create a voiding dependency. Your body might get so used to douching it can’t do its business without it.

That’s why I gave up reading the National Enquirer on the toilet. It got to the point where I couldn’t go unless I read about Hilary Swank’s secret penis.

As far as the water pressure, there aren’t a whole lot of pain receptors once you get past the sphincter area. What you feel is pressure not pain, so it’s possible that letting the attachment go cobra could do some damage without you knowing it right away.

I’d ease off. Use the rule of common sense. If you turn it on so high the city water levels dip, dial it back. The last thing you want is to have your insides declared a national disaster, qualify for FEMA assistance and have George W. Bush look at your sphincter and say, “Heck of a job, Brownie.”