The comeback album by New Kids is shockingly bad. (Photo by Olaf Heine/AP)
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REBECCA ARMENDARIZ
Friday, September 12, 2008
New
Kids
on
the
Block
didn’t
go
as
far
as
changing
their
group
name
to
something
more
age
appropriate
for
their
recent
resurgence,
but
they’re
taking
advantage
of
their
near-40
ages
in
the
raunchiest
and
most
discomforting
way
possible.
Actually,
it’s
shocking
how
bad
this
record
is.
Nobody
was
expecting
a
“Sgt.
Pepper”-caliber
rock
touchstone
but
with
major
label
backing,
decent
singing,
proven
producers
and
the
renewed
vigor
of
a
reunion,
surely
they’d
come
up
with
something
decent,
right?
Unfortunately,
no.
The
cringe-factor
on
“The
Block,”
the
group’s
first
record
since
they
disbanded
in
1994,
has
leapt
past
inappropriate
and
straight
into
creepy
and
sleazy.
The
boys
—
Jordan,
Jonathan,
Danny,
Donnie
and
Joey
—
were
previously
active
from
1984-1994
and
reached
puberty
in
the
public
eye
(to
the
delight
of
many).
Their
previous
records,
the
first
of
which
was
made
when
little
Joey
McIntyre
was
just
14,
weren’t
commendable
by
anyone’s
artistic
standards,
but
they
have
nostalgic
value
for
many
women
who
are
now
in
their
20s
and
30s.
The
first
real
boy
band
after
the
Jackson
5,
New
Kids
paved
the
way
for
the
Backstreet
Boys
and
’N
Sync.
They
might
be
all
grown
up
now,
but
they’re
stuck
in
a
time
warp.
Rap
interludes,
awkward
echoing
vocal
effects
and
“trendy”
cultural
references
(“I
don’t
know
if
you’re
mad
at
me
before
‘Grey’s
Anatomy’”)
plunge
“The
Block”
into
shameful
territory.
They
missed
pop
music’s
development
over
the
past
15
years.
The
record
begins
with
“Click
Click
Click,”
a
song
about
wanting
to
take
the
picture
of
a
beautiful
lady
(we’re
made
to
forget,
for
a
second,
the
rumors
circulating
that
“shy
one”
Jonathan
Knight
is
gay,
since
all
of
the
songs
reference
a
sexy
female).
Insert
rap
No.
1.
Donnie
Wahlberg
(yes,
brother
of
sexy
Mark)
painfully
rhymes
in
the
most
elementary
way.
First
single,
“Summertime,”
was
accompanied
by
a
nasty
music
video
devoid
of
shirts.
The
boys
sing
over
processed
strings
about
the
girl
they
miss
from
the
beach
that
season
so
long
ago.
“In
your
strapless
sundress/Kick
it
back,
no
stress/As
long
as
we
was
together,”
Donnie
sings.
First
of
all,
grammar
check.
Second,
faithful
fans
aren’t
going
to
be
fooled
by
this
pandering
to
the
young
folk.
It’s
no
secret
that
Danny
has
four
kids.
The
track
“Dirty
Dancing”
has
so
many
low
points,
it’s
impossible
to
pick
a
favorite.
Could
it
be
when
they
reference
the
classic
film
of
the
same
name’s
main
actors
by
saying
“She’s
like
Baby/I’m
like
Swayze”?
Or
maybe
it’s
the
Sean
Paul-esque
chorus
wherein
Donnie
sings
like
he’s
from
Jamaica.
It
gets
worse
—
the
next
track
is
called
“Sexify
My
Love.”
Joey
McIntyre’s
voice
is
genuinely
pleasant.
After
the
group’s
end,
he
went
on
to
release
successful
solo
records,
the
most
recent
of
which
found
him
covering
Sinatra
and
other
crooners.
His
pipes
are
the
one
decent
effort
put
forth
on
this
depressing
mess
of
sounds.
“Stare
at
You,”
a
ballad
featuring
his
vocals,
could
pass
for
a
song.
Same
with
“Officially
Over.”
Two
out
of
18
ain’t
bad
…
right?
“Lights,
Camera,
Action”
is
obviously
and
heinously
about
filming
sex,
and
the
innuendo
and
percussive
huffing
and
puffing
in
the
background
serve
as
a
not-so-subtle
indication.
“Don’t
Cry”
borrowed
its
synthesizer
inspiration
from
the
movie
“Mannequin,”
and
“Looking
Like
Danger”
sounds
like
Paula
Abdul’s
“Cold-Hearted
Snake.”
The
boys
got
a
few
big
names
to
help
them
out
with
some
of
the
tracks,
but
still,
they’re
barely
any
help.
Akon
sings
on
“Put
It
on
My
Tab”
(which
is
as
good
as
the
title),
Pussycat
Doll
Lady
Gaga
helps
on
“Big
Girl
Now”
(the
worst
song
on
the
record
by
far)
and
Ne-Yo
guests
on
“Single.”
New
Kids
didn’t
have
to
put
forth
much
of
an
effort
to
have
a
successful
record
and
fall
tour.
Fans
who
want
to
see
their
first
loves
all
grown
up
will
do
it
anyway,
which
is
a
shame,
because
this
was
their
chance
to
really
prove
they
could
still
deliver
great,
catchy
pop
tunes.
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