Sep 12, 2008  |  By: REBECCA ARMENDARIZ  | COMMENTS     

New Kids on the Block didn’t go as far as changing their group name to something more age appropriate for their recent resurgence, but they’re taking advantage of their near-40 ages in the raunchiest and most discomforting way possible.

Actually, it’s shocking how bad this record is. Nobody was expecting a “Sgt. Pepper”-caliber rock touchstone but with major label backing, decent singing, proven producers and the renewed vigor of a reunion, surely they’d come up with something decent, right?

Unfortunately, no. The cringe-factor on “The Block,” the group’s first record since they disbanded in 1994, has leapt past inappropriate and straight into creepy and sleazy.

The boys — Jordan, Jonathan, Danny, Donnie and Joey — were previously active from 1984-1994 and reached puberty in the public eye (to the delight of many). Their previous records, the first of which was made when little Joey McIntyre was just 14, weren’t commendable by anyone’s artistic standards, but they have nostalgic value for many women who are now in their 20s and 30s.

The first real boy band after the Jackson 5, New Kids paved the way for the Backstreet Boys and ’N Sync. They might be all grown up now, but they’re stuck in a time warp. Rap interludes, awkward echoing vocal effects and “trendy” cultural references (“I don’t know if you’re mad at me before ‘Grey’s Anatomy’”) plunge “The Block” into shameful territory. They missed pop music’s development over the past 15 years.

The record begins with “Click Click Click,” a song about wanting to take the picture of a beautiful lady (we’re made to forget, for a second, the rumors circulating that “shy one” Jonathan Knight is gay, since all of the songs reference a sexy female). Insert rap No. 1. Donnie Wahlberg (yes, brother of sexy Mark) painfully rhymes in the most elementary way.

First single, “Summertime,” was accompanied by a nasty music video devoid of shirts. The boys sing over processed strings about the girl they miss from the beach that season so long ago.

“In your strapless sundress/Kick it back, no stress/As long as we was together,” Donnie sings. First of all, grammar check. Second, faithful fans aren’t going to be fooled by this pandering to the young folk. It’s no secret that Danny has four kids.

The track “Dirty Dancing” has so many low points, it’s impossible to pick a favorite. Could it be when they reference the classic film of the same name’s main actors by saying “She’s like Baby/I’m like Swayze”? Or maybe it’s the Sean Paul-esque chorus wherein Donnie sings like he’s from Jamaica.

It gets worse — the next track is called “Sexify My Love.”

Joey McIntyre’s voice is genuinely pleasant. After the group’s end, he went on to release successful solo records, the most recent of which found him covering Sinatra and other crooners. His pipes are the one decent effort put forth on this depressing mess of sounds. “Stare at You,” a ballad featuring his vocals, could pass for a song. Same with “Officially Over.” Two out of 18 ain’t bad … right?

“Lights, Camera, Action” is obviously and heinously about filming sex, and the innuendo and percussive huffing and puffing in the background serve as a not-so-subtle indication.

“Don’t Cry” borrowed its synthesizer inspiration from the movie “Mannequin,” and “Looking Like Danger” sounds like Paula Abdul’s “Cold-Hearted Snake.”

The boys got a few big names to help them out with some of the tracks, but still, they’re barely any help. Akon sings on “Put It on My Tab” (which is as good as the title), Pussycat Doll Lady Gaga helps on “Big Girl Now” (the worst song on the record by far) and Ne-Yo guests on “Single.”

New Kids didn’t have to put forth much of an effort to have a successful record and fall tour. Fans who want to see their first loves all grown up will do it anyway, which is a shame, because this was their chance to really prove they could still deliver great, catchy pop tunes.