Sep 12, 2008  |  By: ROBERT A. BERNSTEIN  | COMMENTS     

SUPPORTERS OF GAY marriage don’t come any more zealous than I.

I’m the proud father of a lesbian in a nearly 20-year domestic relationship formalized in a commitment ceremony before some 125 gay and straight friends from around the country. I’m the author of a book about some loving and close-knit families with same-sex parents.

But I feel uneasy when activists press Barack Obama in public discussion on the issue. I wonder whether every mention of “gay marriage” in a headline, news story, or blog might not be a plus for John McCain. And his vice presidential choice of Sarah Palin has sharpened my concern.

Past polls have showed a significant “enthusiasm gap,” with Democrats generally far more energized than Republicans in support of their candidate. In part, that’s because the gay marriage issue, unlike 2004, has been largely dormant. So for McCain, kindling it is a potential antidote. Some Republicans have even refused to write off California as a sure thing for the Democrats, hoping that the anti-gay marriage ballot measure there can whip up sufficient fundamentalist passion to upset the blue-state presumption.

And McCain’s choice of Palin threatens to rouse that very fervor nationwide.

So perhaps activists should heed a couple of strategic bromides: Silence is golden, lest sleeping (or at least drowsy) dogs be goaded to bark.

No one doubts that Obama’s attitude toward gay equality is light years beyond that of his opponent. Unlike John McCain, Obama openly opposes the California anti-marriage ballot measure. Unlike McCain, he has congratulated newlywed same-sex couples there and said they deserve full equality. Unlike McCain, he urged in his acceptance speech that “surely we can agree that our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters deserve . . . to live free of discrimination.”

HECTORING POLITICIANS DOESN’T help achieve gay marriage. There’s a time and place for that — but it’s not during the current presidential campaign.

In the long run, what does help is changing the hearts and minds of the pols’ constituents, whose votes are of course their political lifeblood. Thus: PFLAG support groups help. Gay-friendly churches and synagogues help. Gay-Straight Alliances in high schools help. Every time a straight person’s respected friend, co-worker, or colleague comes out of the closet, that helps.

At root, in other words, the enemy of gay marriage and gay equality isn’t politicians who cast anti-gay votes or fail to support pro-gay policies. The enemy is the discomfort of the average voter — who doesn’t want to hear or talk about anything related to sexual identity — triggered by the mere mention of sexual identity,

I’ve watched literally hundreds of parents at PFLAG meetings, often in tears, as they struggle merely to utter the words, “My child is gay.” And I’ve watched those same parents, though only gradually, overcome their discomfort and become staunch supporters of equality as they talk about sexual orientation and meet scores of fine gay folk. Nationwide, the initially teary include thousands who now march proudly in Gay Pride parades and testify before school boards, city councils, and state and national legislatures. 

NUMEROUS COURAGEOUS CLERGY are triggering the same sort of gradual conversions, via gay-friendly remarks from the pulpit, specifically welcoming LGBT congregants and encouraging workshops and open discussion among their flocks. 

And most corporations by now have learned, that gay-friendly policies can be a boon to the bottom line. Some of the most powerful firms have become staunch supporters of employment non-discrimination measures.

It’s inevitable that the day will come when the law will bestow legal status to the commitment of my daughter and her partner. But it will occur as a result of gradual person-by-person enlightenment, not by hectoring the presidential candidates between now and Nov. 4.