Jul 10, 2009  |  By: Rebecca Armendariz  | COMMENTS     

MY PARTNER, CLARK Sabine, died June 16 at a hospice in Arlington, Va., after a 16-month battle with melanoma. He was 33. 

Though I hope to never have to go through anything so painful again in my lifetime, I realize that our entire experience, which included three surgeries and enrollment in two clinical trials, would have been exponentially more difficult if we were a same-sex couple.

Currently there are two separate lawsuits playing out in Washington and Florida involving doctors, nurses and hospital personnel who prevented partners of two dying women from seeing their loved ones before they died.

No one ever questioned my validity as Clark’s partner, though we were not married, at any of our numerous hospital visits. I signed papers for him. Doctors called my cell phone instead of his to deliver news about his case. I only left him alone once, when he was in a D.C. intensive care unit, because there were no overnight accommodations.

Clark never signed any advance directives or living wills designating me as his point person. And while I know that certain people we dealt with over the course of his treatment would let any loved one regardless of sexual orientation stay alongside a partner, I can’t say for sure that everyone would have.

I CAN’T IMAGINE what it was like for Janice Langbehn of Lacey, Wash., when her partner collapsed from an aneurysm during a Florida vacation. Hospital officials gave Langbehn and the couple’s three children only five minutes with Lisa Pond, her partner of 18 years, as last rites were administered before she died. Sharon Reed, another Washington resident, was denied access to her partner of 17 years, Jo Ann Ritchie, before she died of liver failure, because of a night nurse’s prerogative.

In both those cases, the couples were prepared with living wills, advance directives and power-of-attorney documents. Lambda Legal has taken on Langbehn v. Jackson Memorial Hospital, and while attorney Beth Littrell said she recommends same-sex couples have medical-related paperwork in order, it didn’t make a difference in this case.

The case highlights two things, according to Littrell: First, that there need to be laws that address visitation issues in hospitals for people who are unmarried. The relationships should be recognized and hospitals should be held liable, which will be the case if Lambda Legal prevails. Second, the case highlights the uncertainty that unmarried couples face because their relationships are not recognized by the state.

“When the law treats them as strangers, it allows people to treat them as strangers,” Littrell said.

IF LAMBDA LEGAL prevails in the case, then legal precedents will be created for rights to visitation.

Some are arguing that the hospitals involved may not have been discriminating against gay couples, but limiting visitation based on the patient’s condition or general hospital rules. Deborah Kotz of U.S. News and World Report says that hospitals “have been known to limit visitation for non-married partners in heterosexual relationships” in the past. But I never experienced anything so limiting in hospitals in D.C., Maryland or Virginia.

Clark’s diagnosis was a shock to his family and me. I encourage all same-sex couples to get their legal documents in order, including hospital visitation authorization, just in case. I also implore hospital staff everywhere to treat all couples the way Clark and I were treated until legal precedents can be established. There is nothing more painful than losing the love of your life — unless you’re denied access to them beforehand.